fifty two on fridays | week fifty two

"[. . .] I’ve had the highest mountains. I’ve had the deepest rivers. You can have it all but life keeps moving.

I’ve tried to cut these corners. Try to take the easy way out. I kept on falling short of something. I coulda gave up then, but then again I couldn’t have ’cause I’ve traveled all this way for something.

Now take it in but don’t look down.

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay. I’m on top of the world, ‘ay. Waiting on this for a while now. Paying my dues to the dirt. I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay. Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay. Take it with me if I can. Been dreaming of this since a child.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down. And it’s a long way up when you've hit the ground. But get up now, get up, get up now.

‘Cause I’m on top of the world. I’m on top of the world."

- Imagine Dragons, On Top of the World 

WEEK 52 - Reflection

Instead of posting a new picture this week, I decided to "reflect" on this past year. This series of images, I feel, sums up my year pretty well. At the end of 2011, I had all these exciting & fun things I was going to do, things I wanted to change to become a better person & stretch myself. I often joked with my husband shouting out, "2012! The Year of Liz!" with victory fists raised in the air. Was I in for a shock! I guess I can still say that 2012 was the year of Liz, but for reasons I was completely unprepared for.

I was the mother of two children. Ruby joined our lives in 2011, & I found things going much smoother than I would have thought was possible with two kids. The problem was, life was "easy" because I kept letting everything slide. The home was a disaster, I distracted myself with my phone to pass the days away & help me "survive" while Scott was at work, & my motivation to follow through with pretty much any of my resolutions for the year never truly came to fruition. I realized one horrible day that I was depressed. Extremely depressed. Hurtled into a depression that came from having another child, experiencing post-traumatic stress from my sister's death years before & not knowing how to handle it all.

I slipped into oblivion. Into a darkness that almost consumed me. I felt desperate, helpless, isolated. I felt like I could just melt into the floor & not return. I was disappearing into oblivion.

 I tried to push through, but my own strength was not enough.

I hated how my children were affected by this almost all-consuming abyss. Will climbing on my lap, grabbing my face, telling me to "wake up." Telling me, "It's okay mommy. Don't be sad. I love you." & kissing my cheek. The guilt I felt for letting my family down dragged me even further into a pit that I couldn't seem to claw my way out of. But I continued to try. I tried to remember to "be present." To see the beauty around me. To recognize the love of my Lord & Savior & put my faith in Him. To allow my family - my husband, parents, siblings, in-laws - to lift me up & help carry my burden. Through this horrible experience, I realized how loved I was, how blessed I was.

I sought greater help & forced myself into activity.

I started to believe in myself again. Not to be so hard on myself. To have the patience to allow myself to heal.

Life started to return to normal, & I realized what it felt like to be me again. I found joy in my life. Joy. Peace. Happiness. Purpose. My family was thriving, & I was a part of it, not just an unrecognizable shell of me on the sidelines, but involved physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.

Now it's the end of the year, & I feel so alive! Sure, life isn't perfect, but who's is? The difference for me now is that I see the love of God reflected in everything around me - this beautiful world, my family, my love for living creatively & purposefully. I continue to choose happiness & strive to see the good around me & within me. 

I'm on top of the world, & I'm not looking down!

Continue on to the lovely Jackie Petersen to see her take on "reflection."

fifty two on fridays | week fifty one

“There's no place like home. [. . .]

If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again,

I won't look any further than my own back yard.”

- L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

WEEK 51 - Home

Continue to Katiusca Guzman Photography to see her beautiful film images of home.

fifty two on fridays | week fifty

WEEK 50 - Joy

Continue on the "joy" circle by visiting Krista Lund Photography.

fifty two on fridays | week forty eight

 

WEEK 48 - Woods

Continue on to Katiusca to see what's in her neck of the woods.

fifty two on fridays | week forty seven

“The miracle is not to walk on water.

The miracle is to walk on the green earth,

dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive.”

~Thich Nhat Hanh

WEEK 47 - Thankful

What better time of year than now to pay attention to all the things there are to be thankful for? In particular, all of the simple things that you have come to see as ordinary: children to feed, a home to clean, books to read, projects to finish . . . there are so many blessings in the everyday that are easily forgotten or seen as burdensome or insignificant. Instead, wake up & see all the good around you! Don't just see it, but live it!

It is easy to look to the future & wish for things that you don't have, or to dwell on the past & pine over things lost. But what about today? Isn't the present the most beautiful thing of all? I guess it doesn't always feel that way. I have a poster in my room that says "BE PRESENT." It is a daily reminder, a mantra I repeat to myself often to rekindle my love of now. To see the good in the now. To be thankful for all that I have right now. Remember to count your blessings. Remember to notice the details - not so you can nitpick & tear down, but so you can rejoice in even the smallest thing. There is much to be thankful for. Just remember to open yourself up to see it.

 

Continue on to Katiusca to see what she is thankful for.

fifty two on fridays | week forty six

“My heart is drumming in my chest so hard it aches,

but it's the good kind of ache,

like the feeling you get on the first real day of autumn,

when the air is crisp

and the leaves are all flaring at the edges

and the wind smells just vaguely of smoke -

like the end and the beginning of something all at once.”

-Lauren Oliver, Delirium

WEEK 46 - Autumn

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I love it so much. When I was younger, I soaked up the sun & lived for summer. But now, the smells, colors, & feelings of autumn call to me. They refresh my soul & make me feel close to God in this beautiful world He created. The falling leaves, the bright hues of orange, yellow & red that fade into brown & then leave both fragile & majestic branches bare.

Perhaps it's the memory of family traditions, good food, hot chocolate, brisk air, the first long sleeves & jackets of the season, cuddling under warm blankets with loved ones. The richness of autumn sets my heart on fire. The peace of this time of year, the extra burst of love & kindness, & the presence of God everywhere rejuvinate me & remind me of all I have to be grateful for.

My good friend Tiffani took this picture of Ruby & me, & since it's so rare to have pictures of me with the children, I had to add it. Getting colds is not my favorite thing about autumn, but I do love cuddling my sweet babes when they need the extra comfort.

Continue to Jackie Petersen Photography to see what her autumn experience is like.

fifty two on fridays | week forty five

Clearly I've been gone from this project for quite a while. This year has been crazy, but now that things are starting to level out, I've started to feel the major pull back to photography again.

WEEK 45 - Black & White

When I consider "black & white,"

one of the thoughts that comes to me is

the "all or nothing" delusion.

And let me tell you, this is something I have been working through a lot lately.

I tend to be a perfectionist.

If something can't be done right,

then I struggle to do anything at all.

This is why I hesitate when it comes to photographing for others,

why making meals & keeping a clean (or clean-ish) home often feels like such an unattainable goal,

why a setback in the day can make it difficult to carry on with the rest of my plans.

Why is it so easy to get stuck

in this "all or nothing" rut?

It's like I'm telling myself that if it can't be done just right,

why attempt in the first place?

All or nothing?

That doesn't even make sense!

Better to do a little imperfectly than to do nothing at all.

After all, "by small & simple things are great things brought to pass."

All or nothing?

Is that even part of the great plan?

We do things by degrees,

by taking steps up a ladder.

I'm not Wonder Woman, no matter how much I envision that ideal in my mind. 

I can't fly straight to the top of perfect. And if I do fly,

it's with dips & curves, 

but hopefully I'm still heading in the right direction.

It's the small things we do that allow for progress & growth.

Building habits out of the little, perhaps mundane or ordinary things

that make up the great & truly important things.

All or nothing?

Who says we have to do it all?

Doing something is better than doing nothing.

Continue the circle by visiting Cris Stephens Photography. Trust me, you're in for a treat. Her images are gorgeous!

fifty two on fridays | week twenty one

“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”
- Audrey Hepburn

WEEK 21 - EYES

Continue the circle by visiting the amazingly talented Cris at Cris Stephens Photography.

fifty two on fridays | week twenty

“Cooking is like love; it should be entered into with abandon or not at all.”
- Julia Child

WEEK 20 - IN THE KITCHEN

Time got away from me, & I wasn't able to take new pictures for this week's theme. I do, however, have some pictures from December that I still love, as well as a more recent iPhone photo of Ruby & me.

That being said, I have to add that I'm a huge sucker for cookies, & Will has inherited my love for them. He loves to help me make them on the rare occassion that I do. I've been known to eat 4 dozen cookies by myself in a couple days, so I've had to refrain from baking too often. So when we do make cookies, it's a wonderful treat. Seriously, I have hardly any self-control, if any, when it comes to eating homemade cookies, so I try not to put the temptation out there.

One of Will's jobs while making cookies is to unwrap the butter (after thoroughly washing his hands, of course). He also loves to help measure & add the ingredients, mix the dough, & then lick the beaters when everything else is done. And of course, let's not forget the part where he gets to eat fresh-out-of-the-oven cookies (if I don't beat him to it!).

Continue the circle by visiting Lisa at Lisa Tarplee Photography.

fifty two on fridays | week nineteen

“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands,
or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck.
This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood -
finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”
- Jodi Picoult

WEEK 19 - MATERNAL

So often, I feel as though the role of Mother, especially stay-at-home mothers, is cast aside & seen as insignificant, unfulfilling, burdensome, & a life filled with eating bon bons & reading books. While sometimes this feels true, to be a mother is so much more than that! It is a blessing, the raising of the future generation. It is selfless love & sacrifice. It has its ups & downs. Days when I feel like I could curse & cry from frustration, where I feel like an utter failure & fear that my children will grow up to resent me. But then there are other days where the joy & happiness that flows through me because of my children & my role as their mother lifts me off the ground; I feel so alive & full of love, so light that my body threatens to float away. More than anything though, motherhood is the habit of the everydays. It is the simple moments of teaching, observing, encouraging, nurturing, letting your child experience both failure & success. It is patience, endurance, kindness. Time outs, cuddles, bedtime songs, digging in the dirt, dancing. It is a giant reward.

 

My years of infertility taught me to treasure my children when I might otherwise have resented the time & energy it takes to care for them. I know that to be a mother is a miracle. It is the most amazing, powerful thing a woman can do, whether through creating & growing life &/or caring for a life that has been entrusted to you. I am grateful for my role as mother & wouldn't give it up for anything.

Continue the circle by visiting Lisa at Lisa Tarplee Photography.

fifty two on fridays | week eighteen

“Our faces will become works of art that our grandchildren will treasure."
- Adriana Trigiani

WEEK 18 - OPPOSITES

It's amazing to look at a family tree, to start at the roots & see all those who came before you, to join with your husband & nurture & strengthen your family until branches spring out with your own posterity. I know the love I have for my children, a love that is more full of joy, frustration, & tenderness than I could ever have imagined. Becoming a parent gave me a glimpse of what my parents feel for me, though it's hard to imagine anyone having as much love for another being as I have for my children. If so, how could the world contain all that love without bursting? Then to see the joy of grandparents & grandchildren together. I imagine the love grows beyond anything I can comprehend at this point. To see the generations moving forward, united by our commonality, our blood, our love. It's miraculous, & nothing makes me happier. It is, after all, what life is all about.

Continue the circle by visiting Sarah at Sarah Jo Foodography.

fifty two on fridays | week seventeen - weather

“Is the spring coming?" he said. "What is it like?" . . .

"It is the sun shining on the rain and the rain falling on the sunshine . . ."

- Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

WEEK 17 - WEATHER

This has been a crazy year for weather. The winter stayed fairly warm, & then spring seemed to come out of nowhere - probably due to our lack of a significant cold season. And now the temperature drops so low that we end up with hail storms one day & then 80^ weather the next! The original theme for this week was supposed to be 'rain,' but since that has been too unpredictable, it was changed to 'weather.'

Last week, we were trapped inside the house for a couple days while it poured outside! Yes, this would have been a great time for pictures, but there was no way I was going out in the storm. When the hail started coming down, Will was so blown away by it that he raced up to our bathroom, opened the shutters & yelled downstairs that the "snow" was breaking the house - & it was big snow. Did I mention there was no way I was going out in the storm? The hail bounced around everywhere while a mini river raged its way down the street.

A couple days later, we went down to visit my parents', & the weather changed so drastically from before that I hadn't prepared any sunshine/hot weather-appropriate clothes. So Will spent much of the week outside in his skivvies (what's new?!!) while digging in the dirt & running through the hose while Nana watered her garden. I much preferred this kind of rain!

Continue the circle by visiting Kathy of Roses & Rattles.

fifty two on fridays | week sixteen - details

"Time can be a greedy thing - sometimes it steals the details for itself."

- Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

WEEK 16 - DETAILS

I find that the things I treasure most, when I take the time to notice them, are the details of life. The feel of my daughter's hand brushing my face & tangling in my hair as she falls asleep in my arms. The way my son runs to the front door squealing, "Daddy!" with arms thrown out wide, hair flopping, skivvies peeking out from under his shirt, & a huge smile spread across his face. Carrying my sleeping child to his bed & pressing a kiss to his forehead while whispering, "I love you;" to see his eyes flutter open & repeat those perfect words back to me. All these little details add up to the most incredible, overwhelming feelings of love - the smiles, laughs, tears, comforting words, hugs. So many small moments that make life perfectly beautiful.

Continue the circle by visiting the talented Jackie Petersen.

fifty two on fridays | week fifteen - humor

"I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing."

- Herman Melville, Moby Dick

WEEK 15 - HUMOR

To be as free as a child. To live life with such abandon & freedom! To cry, play, love, laugh without restraint. Life is meant to be enjoyed & lived well. Lived positively. See the humor in your every days. Joseph B. Wirthlin said it so well, "Come what may & love it." There is no better proof of life & happiness than the pure, unadulterated laugh of a child. I see my child, my sweet boy, find joy & humor in the smallest things, & it reminds me not to take life so seriously. He is a daily reminder of optimism. To see this world through William's eyes, to lose myself so completely in life & laughter as he does. To know that even when life is hard, it continues on, & I can either lose myself in fear & sorrow, or I can bear up & laugh.

Continue the circle by visiting Tifani at Calculating Exposure.

fifty two on fridays | week eleven - urban

I'm wide awake. It's the middle of the night. I'm standin' in the dark; waiting up for the light . . . And here I'll remain 'til the sun is in the sky, standing in the dark waiting up for the light . . . There is love -  there is peace in this world, so take it back -- say it's not what you had thought. Grab a hold. Take these melodies. With your hands write a song to sing. Isn't such a bad, bad world, I say. These times are strange - I can feel it in the night. I'm standing in the dark, holding out for the light . . . . . . And here I'll remain 'til the great sun shines --- standing in the dark; waitin' up for the light.

- Guster, Bad, Bad World

WEEK 11 - URBAN

Yesterday, Scott & I drove to San Francisco for the Guster concert. Let me tell you, I love this band. I discovered them in college & went to three of their concerts in the four years I lived in Utah. I hadn't seen them since. Now nine years later, Scott surprised me with tickets to see them again. They were good - - - really good. I'd forgotten what awesome artists & performers they were. 

I got nervous about taking my camera into the city (where I had originally planned to get shots for this week), so I had to rely on my phone for pictures. I'm kicking myself now for chickening out.

We had front row seats - it was such a blast!

And for fun - here are a couple pics from this last summer when we went to San Fran for the day.

Continue the circle by visiting Jodie.

fifty two on fridays | week nine - out of focus

WEEK 9 - OUT OF FOCUS

There's nothing like the joy & peace that come from seeing my child happy & enjoying life. Yesterday, I couldn't help laughing when I saw William coming down the stairs wearing his long sleeve shirt, skivvies & firefighter helmet & rain boots. He was perfect & so much the little boy who I love & adore.

I had many different ideas for what I wanted to try for this week's theme, but after getting this spur of the moment picture of Will in all his childhood glory, I was more than happy with the results. I love that it has a watercolor quality to it, adding to the child-like & innocent feel of the photograph. This is a new favorite for me.

"I have known much of happiness, oh, so very much.

The root of it all, I believe, was planted in my childhood

and nurtured in the home."

~ Gordon B. Hinckley

When you finish here, continue the 52 on Fridays circle by visiting Jodie. I always love her images!

52 on Fridays | 1 - Be You {tiful}

This is the start of a 52 week project I'm participating in with a group of photographers from near & far. Each Friday, we will post an image representing our weekly theme & then link to the next photographer to complete a blog circle. The purpose of this project is to challenge ourselves, to learn, experiment, & grow in the art of photography. I hope you come back often to check on our progress. It should be a fun year!

WEEK 1 - SELF-PORTRAIT

I was amazed at how difficult it was to take a self-portrait this week. First of all, I felt kind of ridiculous in front of the camera, especially being the only one in the frame. I felt even more ridiculous having to constantly play around with focus, set the timer, run & jump into my bathtub so I could stand in the correct place in front of my window, & then pretend like I wasn't a total dork for smiling at the wall since I had no one to interact with (at least someone who was eye-level with me). I'm telling you, it was awkward . . .

But at the same time, it was fun & empowering. I felt a lot more comfortable with me by the time I was finished. My inhibitions melted a bit, & I realized that this was something I could do. Maybe not perfectly, but that's not always the point. Do I wish I had more pictures to choose from that were in perfect focus &/or had great composition? Yes! But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I had the courage to try something new. That I was able to put myself out there & risk making a fool of myself. There is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Strictly Ballroom, that says, "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." I don't want to look back on my life regretting that I didn't take more chances, that I didn't share more of myself with others, that I feared failure too much to even give myself a chance at success.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ Marianne Williamson

Make sure to continue the blog circle with photographer, Jackie Petersen.