Saturday, March 10, 2012

10 on 10 | march

march 2012 - i am strong enough

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride lately. Towards the end of last month, I realized for the first time that I was suffering from postpartum depression. It took me by surprise since I didn't really feel all that sad, at least at first, & I had never experienced it before. I just didn't have much motivation to make or keep goals, & I didn't care. I was floating through life after Ruby was born, but I felt fairly happy. Honestly, having a second child wasn't nearly as hard as everyone made it out to be, & I enjoyed it a lot. But then my lack of motivation started to flow into too many areas of my life - I had no desire to exercise, I cleaned my home sparingly, I stopped spending quality time with my children & husband, I wasn't taking care of myself spiritually . . . . I soon began to feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. When these feelings came, I began to feel down, more & more each day. Then one day, I had the sudden realization that I was dealing with something far more serious than I had realized. I was depressed, extremely depressed, & I could hardly function. I was at a breaking point & wanted to just melt into non-existance. I called Scott at work & sobbed uncontrollably. I was a failure, & I was ashamed. I was desperate for help.

Scott was the amazing support that he has always been & took time off of work to help get me back on my feet again. We took a mini vacation to the beach to refresh my soul, & when we returned home, my mom came up to stay with me for a couple days to get me on track & help out. Admitting that I had a problem became a huge help in motivating me to take the necessary steps to get my life in order again. I set mini goals for myself each day, dragging my feet to get the simplest tasks done. It felt like I was physically wading through mud up to my thighs. But soon the tasks & goals became easier to accomplish. Within a matter of weeks, I felt transformed & much more like my normal self. I could feel the influence of God in my life again & didn't feel nearly as alone. Of course I still have difficult days, but now I know I can fight them & keep moving in the right direction to be the mother & wife I know I should be.

I am so grateful for this project & the opportunity it has given me to see the beauty in my everday life . . . to focus on finding special moments in the most mundane things. I struggled a lot yesterday morning & wasn't sure that I could pick myself back up again, but I took the time to complete some simple tasks, nurtured myself spiritually, & then completed this project by the end of the day, filled with happiness & peace. The end of February & the start of March have been a trial, but I am trying my best to continue on & see the joy that surrounds me. I will be happy. I choose to be happy, pushing myself, sometimes while crying & fighting, until I get past that cloudy abyss & feel the light in my life again. I will continue to do so each & every day.

"good morning Ruby."

playing the piano in skivvies & singing the ABCs.

learning the importance of hard work.

time out. 

suffering. feeling like i might just disappear.

but pushing through:

feeding this perfect babe - & let me tell you, getting this picture was not an easy task, but I was determined, & when I'm determined, watch out :).

dinner at Jalisco - delicious.

trip to the mail.

asleep in the car - look at all that hair she's getting!

Continue the 10 on 10 circle by visiting Jen at Jennifer Kruk Photography.


  1. Beautiful photos, you are an AMAZING women and a wonderful mother! Hang in there, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Cute photos. Max has the same underwear. I love them. They are so cute. Hang in there and don't worry you are not alone. I will have days that I don't do anything and I mean anything, but I tell myself the next day is a new day and try to do better. Take care

  3. loves to you!! Love the photo of you! Such beautiful eyes!!

  4. I love that you are brutally honest. Depression is no joke, and the isolation is killer. I'm so glad you found comfort in opening up to family and the help they, and a loving Heavenly Father, offer so willingly, and lovingly. You are wonderful!

  5. Flexing makes us strong. You are amazing.


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