Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ramblings of an Emotional Moron

Disclaimer: I just need to write this. It's not edited and might not make sense, but I don't care right now.

I am so hurt right now. I feel so sick and tired of all the hoops I have to jump through to even start fertility. I first had to do the horrible HSG test to make sure I'm "all clear" in the tubes, I then had to do tons of blood work, Scott had to do his test, and then I finally got to visit my fertility doctor. From there, she told me that my Rubella immunization wore off from when I was little, so I had to get a Rubella vaccine before I could start Clomid, meaning I couldn't try getting pregnant for at least 30 days after the vaccine. Now I just found out (when I'm so close to getting to start Clomid) that I tested positive in a PPD (TB skin test). I went and got a chest x-ray to make sure I don't have active TB. Thankfully, that came back negative (I don't have TB, I'm not contagious, but I've been exposed to it). My doctor, however, wants me to take an antibiotic (Isoniazid, or INH) as a preventative of my latent TB becoming active (I've read that about 5% of people with a positive PPD get active TB in 2 years). The problem is, I don't know when I was exposed to TB. I know I was for sure in contact with it about 2 or 3 years ago when a little girl at church had TB, but Scott hasn't tested positive in his PPD even though he was around her just as much as I was. So perhaps that's not when I was exposed. If I was exposed then, then I'm probably not going to get active TB, but if I was exposed more recently, it's possible that I may. There's no way of knowing when I was exposed. The problem with all of this is that INH is a Category C drug for pregnancy, meaning I shouldn't take it at the same time that I'm pregnant, or trying to conceive. Not only is it a Cat. C drug, but I have to take it for 9 months, so I have to put off having a baby that much longer. This just sucks so bad because we've been trying for over 2 years, and we were going to start Clomid in a few weeks. I had my hopes up so high, and now I have to deal with this. Do I put off the antibiotic until later, or do I postpone trying to get pregnant for another 9 months? This time in my life has been so wonderful, but at the same time, I don't think I've ever had to go through anything more difficult than these problems from the last 2 years - miscarriage, infertility since then, and in the last month - getting a Rubella vaccine, having to wait 30 more days to start Clomid, testing positive for PPD, maybe having to wait 9 months more to start Clomid. I don't know what to do. My primary care doctor wants me to start the antibiotic now, but my fertility doctor wants me to put off the antibiotic (since it's not active TB), so I can start Clomid. I don't know what to do. Help me! Help me get through this. I want to feel peace and comfort. I want to know what's best for my health, but I also want a child. I feel like I've been waiting for so long. Everyone keeps saying, you're still young. You can wait a little longer. Things will happen when they're supposed to. I know I can wait, and I know I'm still young, I know things work out for the best, but that doesn't make it easier, and sometimes I think sucky things just happen without Heavenly Father trying to test us. This is such an emotional roller coaster. It is so difficult wanting something that is so good and in line with the commandments of God, but not being able to have it yet. I feel I am patient, and I try to have faith, but sometimes it is so draining. I need to think of others at this time and forget about myself. That will take my focus off of the problem a little bit more, and then I will be able to be happy with my life as it is and have a hope for the future. Clomid or INH? Which one do I choose? It doesn't seem likely that I'll get TB, but if I do when I am pregnant, it can cause severe deformities in the baby and can be life threatening to me. But if I was exposed two or three years ago, then I'm already past the point of getting active TB, and I'll be putting off having a baby when there's really no need to. I'm getting such mixed messages from my doctors right now that I just don't know what to do.

13 comments:

  1. Oh Liz, I don't know what to say, but I love you and think about you all the time. Hopefully you and Scott will do what's best for you right now and for your family.

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  2. I am soooooooo sorry!! I know how much you want to start a family and things were finally going somewhere until now. I bet this will be probably the hardest decission you will ever have to make in your life. PLease let me know if there is anything I can do. Thank you so much for always being there for me especially when the miscarriage happened. You helped me out a lot by giving me advice and just listening to me and so now it is my turn. Please let me know what I can do. I love you so much.

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  3. Elizabeth, now that you have cleared the air, 50% of the situation is resolved. Now as you move forward,do not forget that you have a loving relationship with the most the most powerful Being that ever! Go see Him. Have a talk with God! Go spend the day at the Temple. Do a session, some sealings and yes, some inits...then sit in the sealing room. Just you and your friend. Then, together you will form decisions that will be best for you, your peace of mind, your body your baby/children.

    All is as it shoud be.

    We adore you!

    SD Perrymans

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  4. o yea one more thing..we do not know any rambling morons!

    Some More Love

    SD Perrymans

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  5. Liz,
    Did you ever work in the day care at the Monte Vista High School preschool? Or did you ever ditch class to hang out in there? When I took that class I had to get a TB shot so that I didn't get anything from the little kids or visa versa. Just an idea...? I hope that you're able to feel some kind of peace or comfort soon with your situation. I know it must be hard. Take comfort at least in knowing that so many of us are rooting for you guys!

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  6. Lizzie & Scott,

    We love you!! This is a time when you really need to rely on our Savior to help make the right decision. (I know you already know that, but I had to say it!) Maybe try and get different opinions from other professionals? Are they're other options? The medical world can be so controversial and confusing. In the end you are going to be the only one who can make the right choice for your family. Heavenly Father will guide you if you ask for help. Keep thinking about the future and what you want in the long term. We love you so much and please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I will put your name on the temple prayer list when I'm there.

    love,
    rach and family

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  7. When my brother was preparing for his mission he had a positive TB test too. It was also inactive and the mission committee made him do the antibiotic round too ( His was 10 months)...so he didn't go on his mission until he was 20. I agree with the fertility doctor start the clomid and don't worry about it. If you feel concern, fast and pray about it - then get a priesthood blessing.

    It is good to vent your frustration- because this does stink!! It's going to work out. I'll be praying for you.

    Les

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  8. I agree with all of the above and in addition I can't write what else I'm feeling because it's not very nice! Liz, you're way better than I am. "This sucks" is pretty mild! I love you, love you, love you...

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  9. Liz, ditto on all of the above, especially South Dakota's advice. Go to the temple - it will help. I love you so much and wish so much that you didn't have to go through this.

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  10. I'm going to just say what I think cause I know you know what to do...pray, go to the temple,etc. You've always done the right thing---and I know you'll do what's best. But I think you should hold off on the TB, because really what are the chances of you/the baby getting it??? I think you should follow the fertility doctors advice and start the clomid. I don't know, that's just my gut. But I think once you make a decision, take it to the Lord...and he'll help you decide. This is one of those things in life...that we literally can't know the answer without help. He will help. Meanwhile, we will be praying SO MUCH for you & Scott. Love you so much, call me when you want to talk. Cait

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  11. Can you tak another TB test, somewhere different? Another idea is to KICK something, anything (Not Scott), use one of his steel toed boots so you are not hurt.

    SD Perrymans

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  12. Liz. Wish you guys the best. You know, if you already have active TB and has not been life threatening, I don't think it is going to affect you. Even though you tested positive, it obviously is not active. You just been exposed to it. I tested positive for TB myself when I was in high school, but mine was dormant. I remember that I had to take vitamin( can't remember which one)- B6 or B12 and antibiotics. You know, taking it is optional. It's not something that is required. IT just insures that the TB will stay dormant, rather than becoming active.

    Yes, there is that possibility that the TB can come back active but What are the chances? I think that the chances of coming back are slim. In my opinion, if it hasn't become active from the time you caught TB till now, I don't think you will get it when you are pregnant.

    Go with what your heart tells you. You know, different doctors will tell you different things. You ask one doctor a question and ask another the same question, they will give you differ. answers. you know, medical world is so controversial. Talk to Scott and try to relax. I know it's easier said than done but you only know what is best for you. Do what will make you happy. To me, I think I would go with what Les. said- start clomid;)

    You guys will be in our prayers!
    Love you guys!

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  13. Liz, Teresa C told me I needed to read this blog and I'm glad I did. I'm going to have Kate look at your info and see what she thinks. She's the smartest doctor I know! Hang in there--
    love from Sis Wilson

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