Thursday, March 5, 2009

Stream of Conciousness

I love my life. I have been so completely blessed. I sit here listening to my son through the wall. His nursery is just on the other side of the study. He raises & then slams his legs down while sleeping in his crib - Restless Leg Syndrome? - he is such a joy, & he makes me so happy.

It's crazy to think how long Scott & I waited for this child to come into our lives - just over 3 years when we were finally able to hold our sweet angel in our arms.

Last night, I was talking to Scott about the miscarriage - oh the pain. It's weird to think that we could have a child that is almost 3 years old. I miss what could have been, but I also know that our life would be very different than it is now if we did have that child (not that I wouldn't want him or her if it were possible) - Scott & I probably wouldn't appreciate each other or William as much as we do if our first child had survived.

I wonder if that child would have been a boy or a girl - it's not like we got pregnant quickly after that miscarriage, making it so if we had that child, we wouldn't have William. We would have had both of them. If that child had been a girl, her name would have been Grace, & if a boy, he would have been named William. That child did not live long in the womb though, so it has no name. I don't even know if the baby had formed enough to even truly be considered our baby - will that child be waiting for us in Heaven, or did he not have enough time to exist for us to have a claim. Only God knows. But I like to think we have another child, if not several more waiting for us on the other side of the veil.

I pray to God, thanking him for all that we have. William is a greater blessing in our lives than we could have imagined. What a miracle life is - going through experiences like death & a miscarriage really show you that.

I'm grateful for my life - for my husband, for William, my home, my family, my health, the Gospel, the Plan of Salvation. I have been truly blessed.

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