Smile & Be Happy

Today marks 16 years since Sarah died. When I got back to my parent's house from running errands, I pulled into the driveway & had a flashback of sitting in Sarah's room with my best friends, Caitlin & Dani, & seeing their mom's, Kathy & Bev, hugging & crying in the driveway.  I was so scared - I didn't know what was going on, & never could have guessed how horrible the news would be. 

None of my family was home when Glen MacDonald pulled me aside to tell me that there had been a car accident & that my sister was dead. I remember running down the hall to my room yelling 'No' over & over, throwing myself on the bed & just sobbing.  Caitlin followed me & sat there stroking strands of my hair to comfort me - she may have been saying "It's okay," or perhaps she was just silent, all I know is that I was crying & praying. I know there were others there too - I think Kathy was holding me in her arms & Dani may have been stroking my hair too.  It's difficult to remember exactly what happened, but the things I remember vividly are the feelings of disbelief, unimaginable pain, & the desperate yearning for life to go back to the way it was supposed to be.

Now, years later, I am still sad & confused.  I'm sad because I miss a friend & sister who I honestly feel like I don't know. I wonder what our relationship would be like and if we'd have children the same age. I'm sad for the forgotten memories of my time with her & also for the memories we won't be able to continue making in this life.

Although Sarah dying has been such a difficult experience in my life, my faith in eternal families, temple work, the Atonement, & the Plan of Salvation is so strong. I know that she lives on - I remember when I was young, someone asked me where Sarah was, & I responded that she was in Paradise.  It sounds so hokey now, but it's the truth. She is my gaurdian angel - I know this because I've felt her near me, not often, but at times when I most needed her. I like to think of her looking after my unborn children for me, those that are waiting to be born & possibly the one I lost in my miscarriage (or was that child even enough of a child to now be waiting for me with my sister?)

Caitlin commented in a recent post of mine: "The faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~ elder joseph b. worthlin

This brings me so much comfort & peace.  Through the atonement of Christ, we will be reunited with those we love.  "Know ye that ye must [. . .] believe in Jesus Christ, that he is the Son of God, and that he was slain by the Jews, and by the power of the Father he hath risen again, whereby he hath gained the victory over the grave; and also in him is the sting of death swallowed up." ~ Mormon 7:5  I know I will see my sister again.  Life does not end when we are buried in the earth.  It continues on because of Christ's love & sacrifice for us - God's purposes continue on, even when we feel as though the earth has come to an end. This brings me so much hope.  I love my sister. I love my Savior. Life is short, so we must live it fully.  Life is unpredictable & can change in the blink of an eye, so don't live with regrets.  Be faithful to the commandments of God, pray continually, don't give in to your fears, be happy - not just happy, but full of joy.

I remember things that Sarah taught me - dance with all your heart, love others & be kind to them always, don't skip to the end of the book to find out how it ends, laugh at yourself, don't worry about what others think of you, always do what's right, trust in the Savior, & lastly - smile & be happy - & I am.

Top row: Rich, Susan, Sarah
Bottom row: me, Steven, Brad

Sarah

The Home Stretch

It's the home stretch, and Scott and I have so much to do before the baby comes - I need to put the nursery together, register, pick out a stroller (there are way too many different kinds), finish the baby quilt I'm making, finish the decorations for the nursery (Marisa, I need help if you can - it just recently hit me that I don't have much time left to procrastinate), pick out paint for the entire interior of the house, go to delivery, newborn, and breastfeeding classes, etc.

Yesterday, Scott went and picked up some of our newly arrived furniture for the nursery. It's amazing how close we're getting to having our sweet boy here - just under 8 weeks now if he's on time (I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up that he'll actually arrive before or on his due date). Scott and I are so excited. We love William so much already and can't wait to hold him in our arms. We continue to pray that all will go well and that he will be healthy and safe. It seems like we waited so long to get him, even though I know others have to wait so much longer for their own children. It still seems unreal that this miracle has happened in our lives. I am terrified at times that it will all disappear, but I know I need to continue to have faith, hope, and joy - I can't live my life in fear of "what if" because otherwise that question would never go away. I need to embrace the moments that I have and trust in God, believing that all will be well. Thanks to everyone for your prayers, support, and encouragement. We love you.