Ramblings of an Emotional Moron

Disclaimer: I just need to write this. It's not edited and might not make sense, but I don't care right now.

I am so hurt right now. I feel so sick and tired of all the hoops I have to jump through to even start fertility. I first had to do the horrible HSG test to make sure I'm "all clear" in the tubes, I then had to do tons of blood work, Scott had to do his test, and then I finally got to visit my fertility doctor. From there, she told me that my Rubella immunization wore off from when I was little, so I had to get a Rubella vaccine before I could start Clomid, meaning I couldn't try getting pregnant for at least 30 days after the vaccine. Now I just found out (when I'm so close to getting to start Clomid) that I tested positive in a PPD (TB skin test). I went and got a chest x-ray to make sure I don't have active TB. Thankfully, that came back negative (I don't have TB, I'm not contagious, but I've been exposed to it). My doctor, however, wants me to take an antibiotic (Isoniazid, or INH) as a preventative of my latent TB becoming active (I've read that about 5% of people with a positive PPD get active TB in 2 years). The problem is, I don't know when I was exposed to TB. I know I was for sure in contact with it about 2 or 3 years ago when a little girl at church had TB, but Scott hasn't tested positive in his PPD even though he was around her just as much as I was. So perhaps that's not when I was exposed. If I was exposed then, then I'm probably not going to get active TB, but if I was exposed more recently, it's possible that I may. There's no way of knowing when I was exposed. The problem with all of this is that INH is a Category C drug for pregnancy, meaning I shouldn't take it at the same time that I'm pregnant, or trying to conceive. Not only is it a Cat. C drug, but I have to take it for 9 months, so I have to put off having a baby that much longer. This just sucks so bad because we've been trying for over 2 years, and we were going to start Clomid in a few weeks. I had my hopes up so high, and now I have to deal with this. Do I put off the antibiotic until later, or do I postpone trying to get pregnant for another 9 months? This time in my life has been so wonderful, but at the same time, I don't think I've ever had to go through anything more difficult than these problems from the last 2 years - miscarriage, infertility since then, and in the last month - getting a Rubella vaccine, having to wait 30 more days to start Clomid, testing positive for PPD, maybe having to wait 9 months more to start Clomid. I don't know what to do. My primary care doctor wants me to start the antibiotic now, but my fertility doctor wants me to put off the antibiotic (since it's not active TB), so I can start Clomid. I don't know what to do. Help me! Help me get through this. I want to feel peace and comfort. I want to know what's best for my health, but I also want a child. I feel like I've been waiting for so long. Everyone keeps saying, you're still young. You can wait a little longer. Things will happen when they're supposed to. I know I can wait, and I know I'm still young, I know things work out for the best, but that doesn't make it easier, and sometimes I think sucky things just happen without Heavenly Father trying to test us. This is such an emotional roller coaster. It is so difficult wanting something that is so good and in line with the commandments of God, but not being able to have it yet. I feel I am patient, and I try to have faith, but sometimes it is so draining. I need to think of others at this time and forget about myself. That will take my focus off of the problem a little bit more, and then I will be able to be happy with my life as it is and have a hope for the future. Clomid or INH? Which one do I choose? It doesn't seem likely that I'll get TB, but if I do when I am pregnant, it can cause severe deformities in the baby and can be life threatening to me. But if I was exposed two or three years ago, then I'm already past the point of getting active TB, and I'll be putting off having a baby when there's really no need to. I'm getting such mixed messages from my doctors right now that I just don't know what to do.

Tacky Sweater Party

Last night, Scott and I were invited to a tacky sweater party and ornament exchange (yes, the ornaments were tacky too). There was an ugly sweater contest, and Scott came in second place - probably because he wasn't really wearing a sweater - just a sequins woman's shirt and a Christmas vest with a 3-D snowman on it (apparently this wasn't tacky enough).

Randy and Cherrie: She won the contest. She added the eyes and a red nose to her sweater to make it look like Rudolph - it was pretty horrible.

Troy and Janice: These two were hilarious. There was never a dull moment with them. Their ornaments were hilarious, but I probably shouldn't say what they were because it may not be appropriate. However, I can say they were homemade and very creative. Jillian was the host of the party. She just recently moved into our ward and is so much fun.

Makeover . . . Again

Summer '07
Later summer '07

Winter '07

My hair's brown for the second time in my life. I always thought I was a natural blonde, but once I went away to school and my highlights started growing out (I couldn't afford to pay for them anymore), I realized my hair was naturally brown and let it grow out. Who knows. I'll probably be blonde in the summer again . . . if not a redhead.

3 Years

Last night, Scott and I celebrated our third year of marriage. For our anniversary, we decided to go get massages at Massage Envy (they have a first-time special of $40/person, so it was in our budget). You always see people getting massages together on Reality shows (The Bachelor, for example), and it always looks so romantic - so that's what we decided to do. However, when we got into the room, our tables were facing two opposite corners - already not as romantic as the TV shows portray. We couldn't hold hands or even talk unless we shouted to each other (I guess we could have played footsies if we really stretched our legs far). When we first got in the room, one of the massage therapists showed us to our tables and then said, "We're going to leave the room, and after we do, you can undress to whatever's comfortable for you, get on the table, and cover up with the sheet." Before the woman even finished saying this, Scott's shoes and shirt were thrown into his corner of the room, and he was laying in a ball on top of the table. Scott moved so fast (he'd been anticipating the massage all day and was really excited for it. He was like a kid going to Disneyland and seeing Mickey for the first time). The ladies just started laughing, and one of them went over and told Scott the correct way to lie down, and then covered him with the sheet - it looked like she was tucking a little kid into bed. Even after they left the room, I could still hear the ladies laughing in the hallway. Anyway . . . the rest of the massage was wonderful. When it ended, I could barely move, let alone walk straight down the hallway. We had such a great time.

The end is in sight

Scott has been on a 1-year probation ever since he finished the Fire Academy last year. Every four months, he has had to take a test to make sure he knows the ins and outs of firefighting and EMS. Yesterday, he took his 12-month, and after 6 1/2 hours of testing, he found out he passed without any problems! He is basically a permanent firefighter for Sac Metro, (probation officially ends Dec. 7). Now, he'll only be let go if he does something completely horrible, which I don't see happening. It is such a load off his shoulders to know that he has a secure job now. He was so excited when he got home yesterday that he could hardly eat his dinner (the missionaries were over, and they were already on seconds while Scott wasn't even half-way through his first helping. He was smiling and talking so much that he couldn't get a bite in - he was completely wired).
SO everyone tell him congratulations! He's been dreaming about this job his whole life, and he finally has it.

Ancestor Wall

I have attempted many times now to create an ancestor wall in my home. However, every time I try to make copies of the pictures, they turn out green, and I am charged a ridiculous amount to print them up. My sister, Susan, always tells me just to scan them and have them printed at Costco for cheaper, but the times I have tried to scan them, either the scanner isn't working or they turn out really dusty looking. So, Scott and I decided to buy a scanner. Now I can actually scan the pictures, edit them, and print them at Costco. I am still in the process of scanning and editing some of the pictures, but the ones I finished turned out so well - they look like brand new photos (they look even better printed up).

My grandfather, Daddy Don (Donald Love), with his sister Dorothy Anne

My great-grandmother, Hazel Susan

My grandmother, Sammie Lou (Never call her grandma, or she'll hit you - no she's not abusive in any way, she just goes by Sammie.)My mother, Martha Susan

My Aunt Nancy, my mom, and my Aunt Betsy (I'm named after her - Elizabeth Jane)

My Grandpa Lloyd and Grandma Aileen (There used to be a big tear in this picture.)

The next step.

The fertility process is such a long and difficult one. I have already had one horrific test to see if I'm "all clear" in the tubal area (Did you know the tubes take up about two inches in your body, and they are about as thin as ribbon dental floss? I was shocked.), Scott's had to take his own test, and today I finished all the blood work I needed to do (they needed to test me for ten different things, so they took five tubes worth of blood, and three of them were the biggest tubes they have - my hand was tingling close to the end, and now, an hour later, my arm is bruised and weak). This process sucks! But at least I can finally make an appointment to see a doctor and move on to the next step - hopefully Clomid.
Scott and I have our ups and downs with this whole situation, but we are still hopeful that we will be able to start a family. We try not to let it overwhelm us and get us down, but rather focus on other aspects of our life to distract us from the stress of starting a family - or the inability to do so. We are so grateful for all of the prayers on our behalf, and we love you all.